you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
