My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
