I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
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these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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