i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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