This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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