I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
