My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
