Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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