Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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