just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
