I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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