i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
