Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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