did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
