Semen is not good for contacts.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
