sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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