I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
