i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Congratulations! We have a period
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