i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i out mim tonsoeep
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