Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
