How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
