I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
