Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
