Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fill condoms, not promises.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
