he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
