Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
