you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
