woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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