Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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