last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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