I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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