My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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