hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
