just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
