An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
