I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
