yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
