Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How naked do you want me to be?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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