I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
