My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
