I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
