I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
