Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize