the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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