I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
