I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
