You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
