i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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