How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
