I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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