Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
