Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
