If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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