Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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