At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
