Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
