People in love make me want to vomit
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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