3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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