my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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