I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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