if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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